The Perils Of Eloquence
by Gray Doll
Summary: In which Lisbon discovers that asking Patrick Jane to talk dirty in bed doesn't always go smoothly. / JanexLisbon


**The Perils Of Eloquence**

Patrick Jane had just finished his dinner and was trying to measure just how much provoking Lisbon would take before she threw the dishes she was currently washing at him, when she turned off the tap and turned around to face him, her jaw set with what he could only call "cop determination".

The look in her eye was feline – half hesitant, half daring, and he found himself wondering what on earth she was going to tell him. From the looks of it, he would either completely love it or be downright terrified.

He set his cup of tea down and folded a hand over another, his face expectant.

"I wanted to tell you something," she said, her words rushed as though she was trying to get them out as quickly as possible.

He tilted his head to the side, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "This much is clear," he noted, and his faint smile turned into a full blown grin at the sight of her struggling not to roll her eyes at him. "Go ahead, spit it out."

He watched as she absentmindedly took a deep breath and swallowed, then made her way slowly to where he was sitting.

"I was thinking... Well, we've..." she trailed off, her eyes suddenly everywhere but on him, and he could see her cheeks coloring ever so slightly. He was confused, but was starting to catch on a little bit as to where this could be going.

He arched an eyebrow. "Yes, everything is clear to me now," he said with mock seriousness, and she gave him a soft slap on the shoulder.

"Well okay, I'll say it." She set her shoulders and sat down on the table, and he had to tilt his head back a little to be able to look her straight in the eye. "We... We've been having a lot of sex lately."

Her cheeks were now positively crimson, and he had to admit it was the tiniest bit cute. It was quite obvious she had practiced this speech, but it just hadn't turned out the way she wanted.

He carefully nodded his head.

"We have," he agreed. "And you felt the urge to mention this because..."

"Because," she sighed, "I have complaints."

He looked up at her, momentarily stunned into silence, blinking rapidly. Then, he pouted. "Ouch. Now that's a hit below the belt."

"No, I didn't mean it that way," she rushed to explain, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling it away again after a few seconds, only to start fiddling with her hair like a nervous schoolgirl on her first date. "I meant... Look, Patrick, what I wanted to tell you is that we're just so... silent."

He frowned. "Silent?"

She let out a puff of air, her hand dropping to her side. "Yes, silent. You could... talk a little more. If you want, of course," she managed, blushing more furiously than ever.

"Okay... _Talk_," he said thoughtfully, and, although he knew _exactly_ what she wanted him to do the next time they ended up in bed together, he asked, "and say what exactly?"

"You know," she mumbled, averting her gaze from his. "What people say in bed."

His lips twisted into a wide grin once again, with almost frightening speed, and he shifted in his chair. "So you want me to talk dirty to you, Teresa."

This time she wasn't able to stop herself; she rolled her eyes, and promptly climbed off the table. "If you think this is funny, then-"

"Oh no, wait, I never said this is funny!" he cried, getting to his feet and putting an arm around her. "Don't worry, I think you're right. Some... talking would certainly spice things up a little."

At that, she smirked winsomely up at him, her green eyes sparkling, and he bent to press his lips to hers; all the while thinking that this was a very, _very_ good idea indeed.

Even though it would probably earn him a punch in the nose.

* * *

"-stimulation activates the parasympathetic response and naturally acetylcholine will be released, causing vasodilation, which in turn causes arterial blood to fill the corpora spongiosum and cavernosa-"

Lisbon growled. "This is _not_ what I meant-"

He gave her a peck on the lips, smiling widely, not entirely caring if the information he was giving her was one hundred percent accurate.

"Oh? I didn't mean to focus just on myself. My dear, due to increased heart rate and blood pressure, you blush a highly attractive rose color on your cheeks. I have noted that this certain flush is something that occurs in myself as well, but on you it extends down to your chest, as well. I believe, that this extended coloration is due to your paler skin and comparatively less melatonin; it allows the blood vessels to be seen more clearly under the epidermis-"

She gave another frustrated groan. "This is wrong – you're going to have to stop-"

"Is this too physiological? I can, perhaps, go straight to the mechanics-"

"_Patrick_," she hissed, a low warning that he decided not to heed.

"Foreplay is, admittedly, a bit of a gamble to deduce since, although we tend to fall into patterns, there is, without a doubt, always a bit of improvisation as well. Kissing, licking, biting – I can focus on your breasts, you'll fumble with the zipper of my pants, the task made more difficult with the strain of the fabric because of my erection-"

"Jane-"

"And then, the difficult decision of how to bring each other to orgasm. The classic sexual intercourse is always enjoyable, but then, so is oral – mutual or otherwise. But we've been doing that a lot lately, and I assume you must have grown terribly bored of it all. So, of course, after proper preparations have taken place and if you are so inclined-"

"_Jane_! Don't you dare-"

"-you could turn on your stomach and I could insert my erect manhood-"

"Oh my God, Jane-"

"-and commence rhythmic thrusting until neuromuscular euphoria results in ejaculation-"

"Oh my God, stop! _Stop_!"

Jane, his words coated with as much proverbial honey as humanly possible, finally stopped and forced himself to look surprised.

"But you requested that I 'talk dirty to you'-"

"Yes, yes, I know, but what you were saying..." Lisbon shut her eyes, and ran a hand over her face. "Oh lord, that was... God, that was..." She gave a visible shudder, and Jane propped himself on one elbow above her.

"So there will be no sexual interc- there will be no sex tonight?"

She sat up, pushing him off her, and fixed him with a furious glare. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

He merely shrugged his shoulders, and gave her a small smirk. "Don't look so angry, you have to give me an A for effort!"

He didn't have time to cry out before her fist connected with his nose; he saw stars, and she gave an indignant sigh.

"You're an oversized baby," she said, shaking her head. "And no, there will be no _sexual intercourse_ tonight."


End file.
